musings of the mute

i know its been a while and i will not bore you with any mediocre excuses...
the truth is that i'm lazy...very lazy.
the good news is that my household has finally joined modernity and we now have a reliable source of internet access at home...can you beleieve it? ...internet...in the home! what will they think of next?
anyhow, this may or may not result in more frequent posting. only time will tell.

in the past few weeks i've been thinknig a bit about consequence and what a harsh master it can be. seemingly meaningless actions or even words can have terrible consequences. once those are set in play, there can be no way to stop them. they can be like a snowball rolling down a hill, gathering more speed and mass with every second.
yesterday i looked at a woman whose life is mostly misery now and while her cirumstances upset me, i cannot help but think that she is where she is today as a direct consequence of her actions.
but how much can one person suffer, and when is that enough?
when you stare into the eyes of a woman who has caused so much pain and commited acts of selfishness incomprehensible to anyone but her and with those eyes she looks at you with nothing but love, it hurts.
i know what she wants and i know that i can't give it to her, and even if i could the truth is that i don't think she deserves it.

age and disease do not free you from your past, especially when you show no remorse.
in my bones, in my blood and with my heart i love her and part of me wants to sit by her bedside and give her everything she wants but when it comes down to it, she just doesn't deserve that. i'm willing to help her, but i have my limits and had things been different, my help would be limitless.
all her actions over her near 80 years have contributed to where she is today, and its a pretty awful place to be.
i love her and i wouldn't wish her circimstances on my worst enemy, but i can't change them either.

everybody has their story. every murderer, every junkie, every little old lady... everybody has a story.
in the past few weeks i've heard a lot of stories and my heart has near broken for people i don't know. i know she has her story and i know its a pretty awful one. i look at this woman that i love, who is no harm to anybody anymore, and i still feel angry. this little old woman; demented, covered in cancer both inside and out, emaciated and probably near death. i feel guilt and immense sadness that this is how she has ended up but i know that consequence has ruled it so. her choices have led her here and they're still keeping her here now.
it didn't have to end up like this and she is the only one who could have changed it...
i wish she had.